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Guilty

English: An image of an iPad 2.

English: An image of an iPad 2. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s been almost a month since my last post.  And I’m feeling guilty. And I’m not sure how I feel about feeling guilty.  Should I care? Does anybody care?

I could tell you my reasons for the abrupt hiatus of the past few weeks: My husband’s sudden and unexpected quadruple by-pass heart surgery; working on meeting a self-imposed release date for my next book; a tendency toward perfectionism, resulting in blog drafts that never make it to posts . . . Those things, though real, aren’t the whole truth, however.  The truth (or some part of the truth) is that I spent a lot of time finding just the right photos for my last blog posting.  I worked really hard on it, spent a lot of  time at it.  And then like a big baby, not enough people showed up to the party and I felt bad about it.  Upset, maybe unloved.  It’s true, what I’ve seen other bloggers admit happened to me: I got drawn into keeping track of views and likes and comments.  And for whatever reason, my blog about the big trees didn’t get much attention.  Then, all of the weeks of stressing over blogging caught up with me and I declared to no one in particular that I didn’t really need to blog. It’s stressful for this introvert to put what I formerly wrote in secret journals out into the wide world.  And if I wasn’t being appreciated, why put myself through the stress? I threw in the proverbial towel.

So what brings me back?  And why should I feel guilty?  Real questions I’m this second trying to answer.

I believe part of the reason I’m coming back is the addiction of wanting to know I’ve had some views–but honestly–I’ve been doing well in getting away from the constant checking.  Part of the guilt, I think, is when I stare at the small number that represents my followers and feel like maybe I’ve betrayed them.  It’s possible that no one really cares, but even if just one person cares, yes, reason enough for guilt.  I don’t want to be just another abandoned blog.  And finally, these past couple of weeks as I’ve given up a lot of my own time to care for my husband, I’ve been too tired to sit at the computer, and instead lie on the couch with my iPad, reading my RSS feeds and WordPress reader, catching up with other bloggers.  I’ve especially enjoyed The Green Study lately. Sometimes I read every comment and then check out the commenters’ blogs as well.  Whether or not any of you know I’m there, silently attending to your conversations, I am.  I’m enjoying all of you.

And maybe that’s part of the guilt.  It feels like I’m not doing my part; not contributing.

So, I’m sorry.

And, I’m back.

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